Two summers ago, I had my first run in with Johnny Law, when after leaving Murrysville with Juelz "I can't feel my face" and Nagel, we decided to stop at McDonalds. Now this was nothing out of the ordinary, except that it was 3:30 in the morning. Since it was 3:30 in the morning, I imagined that there was no way possible that the inside of Mcdonalds would be open, and I had to piss really badly before we drove half an hour home.
So what did I do? I found the closest pine tree to piss in. (Juelz actually wanted me to piss on the McDonalds, which could have potentially ended up much worse, or better depending on your view point).
As I'm pissing into this pine tree, I see Yung Mane Jeff driving down the hill across the street with a burnout headlight. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem, but we had been drinking. Furthermore, there was a cop behind the Yung Mane. I start trying to wave to Yung Mane to tell him to pull into the parking lot, so that he can follow us home, but he doesn't see me and turns at the light to get on the highway to go home.
I run back to the car to tell Juelz and Nagel that I just saw the Yung Mane driving with his light burnt out and that we needed to follow him. They both just kind of look at me with a blank stare and then I turn around.
You know who saw me wave to the Yung Mane? The police car behind him. And he also saw me pissing into the tree.
So the police officer pulls us over and I just keep thinking, "Fuck this is fucking bullshit. I was trying to help out Yung Mane and I am going to get in so much shit with my mom." The officer asks me why I was pissing in a tree, and I told him that I didn't think McDonalds was open at this time.
He runs over to the door in a total dickhead move, looks at the door, and yanks the door open like he was fucking pulling the vault door off for a bank robbery. He comes back over and says, "Looks like it's pretty open to me."
I had half a notion to tell this guy to go fuck himself because he was a total rent-a-cop dickhead (he even had a fucking bike on the back of his car), but I decided it would be best to just cooperate.
I say to him that I am sorry and that it was a mistake. I told him that I am not from around here and that our McDonalds doesn't have a 24 hour bathroom.
He looks me dead in the eyes and says, "Oh yeah, well this mistake is going to cost you." Writes me a ticket for fucking 182 dollars. Needless to say I'll never piss in public again.
...Or would I?
About 2 months later, I was now back at school, and had just moved in with Rex is Our QB (aptly named after the former legendary quarterback for the Chicago Bears Rex Grossman). Rex and I decided that along with our friend Dr. Jew, we were going to go to our friend Cluckey's house for a party that night.
So me, Rex, and Dr. Jew walk nearly a mile and a half to Cluckeys house. Now this was during the time period when I was virtually addicted to Jager. Any time I drank, I drank Jager. So we go into Cluckeys house, and what does he have in the freezer? Two big dogs of Jager. Him and I go shot for shot on Jager until the point where we were both belligerent.
Rex and Dr. Jew had drank so much beer that Rex was out on the porch negotiating with this guy that didn't go to school with us to get a hit of his weed. The only problem was that it wasn't weed, it was a cigarette. So Rex was so drunk that he thought a cigarette was a joint.
He takes a huge puff on the cigarette, and passes it back to the guy and says, "Damn man that's some good shit." The guy just looks at him like his fucking crazy and walks away. By that time it is like 1:30 and we decide to leave.
We are fucking hammered and start walking home. The problem was though that we were so drunk that we forgot how to get home. As we start walking, I decided that I had to take a piss again and go along this hillside to drain the main vein.
With my luck though, the house across the street from where I was pissing just received a noise violation, and the police were walking out of their house. I locked eyes with a police officer, who saw me standing there pissing, and then I just started to run. Didn't say anything to Rex or Dr. Jew; just started running. I'll be damned if I am going to pay another 182 dollar fine. In addition, in Michigan, you get something called a minor in possession because they argue that your body is a container and that you basically are carrying alcohol in public.
So I start running faster than Michael Cera in Superbad. I run probably as fast I ever had. I'm running through backyards, hurdling fences, etc. I call the Monster and tell him that I am being chased by the police and that if I get arrested and get the death penalty that he can have my Xbox (I must have been really hammered to give up my Xbox).
I'm still running and I'm calling all my friends from home, when I stop paying attention to where I'm running, and I run right through the fence behind the Tri Delt house. I fall down on the ground and feel like I just got speared by fucking Goldberg.
I keep running and hit the main street, and somehow nearly run right into Rex and Dr. Jew. I recap what just happened and they had no idea where I went. We decide though that to celebrate my victory over the police, that we are going to get the midnight special ordered to our place from Pizza House (for those of you who aren't familiar with it, it is a personal pan pizza and a 32 oz drink for 5 dollar, which you can't fucking beat).
So we get up to our room, order the pizza, when our drunk next door neighbor Meghan stumbles into our room. Meghan basically falls on the floor and I pick her up and put her on my chair. In the meantime, Rex starts throwing up in the garbage can right next to her, and I don't think either of them realized that the other one was there. (I actually don't think Meghan would have realized if she was sober because she is the same girl that got a 1.7, slept through her first college exam, and was forced by her parents to drop out of Michigan).
By this time, I'm starting to sober up so I am aware of everything that is going on, but the other two have no idea. The pizza house guy calls Rex to tell him that he is here, and I tell Rex to go get the pizza while I take care of Meghan.
So Rex has to carry two 32 oz drink and 2 pizzas when he is completely hammered. Amazingly, he makes it all the way down and back up 5 flights of steps without dropping anything.
As he comes into the room, he says, "Holy shit, I made it!" And as he turns the corner, he hits one of the drinks off the door frame, and it explodes all over the floor.
He just looks at me and says, "Well that's okay I wasn't thirsty anyway." And just goes and lays down on his bed eating the pizza.
So by this time, I get Meghan to leave our room, and sit down to eat my pizza. I finish eating the pizza, and realize that Rex has passed out, so I leave both pizza boxes on the floor (mine with the cheese still in it, since I don't eat cheese) and the bag on the floor.
At about 6:00 am I hear what sounds like somebody moving around in the room, and I open my eyes and see Rex butt ass naked in the middle of the room. I'm like, "Dude what the fuck are you doing." And he says, "Hey man don't worry about it. I'm just hanging out."
Here he takes the paper bag that the pizzas came in, and is pissing into the bag. Then, the piss is going straight through the piece of shit paper bag and going right on to the carpet. So here is Rex, naked, pissing on our floor.
To make the story even better, he then sits down in the chair, opens up the pizza box, and eats my cheese that I didn't eat from my pizza. He then goes back to sleep when he is done eating.
Rex wakes up the next day at like 1:30, and says, "Why in the hell am I wearing different underwear?" He had no recollection of anything he did after taking the puff on the cigarette. Maybe it was laced with crystal meth and Rex hallucinated; who knows.
So for the next 2 weeks, we proceed to chastise Rex any chance we get about pissing in the room. We talk about it non-stop and I can't understand why he would ever piss on our floor.
During the next week, I had a finance exam that I knew nearly everything about. I had people calling me and asking me to explain how to do the problems, etc. Like I was dead on with knowing this shit. My one friend Robert gets extra time on tests because he has ADD, and I kept helping him because at the time, we both wanted to go into banking for our careers. So I figured helping him would indirectly help me, and we would both know the material better.
So we get the exam back, and Robert, who knew a lot less than I did about this shit, got 11 points higher than me on the exam. I mean I got an A-, but he got an A +. And this for some reason pissed me off.
So what did I do? Called upon my old friend Johnny Walker to solve my problems. I had 11 shots (1 for every point I got lower than Robert on the exam) in one hour. And then proceeded to not even be able to go out because I got so drunk so quickly.
Now I don't know if any of you have had that much Johnny Walker, but this shit is potent. My eyes were as bloodshot as Stickley looks after smoking 20 pounds of huck.
I make it back to my place by the grace of God. And my friend, the Supreme Jew, force fed me 2 bottles of water. Now at the time, I rarely drank water, so that was like drinking the fucking Pacific Ocean. I knew, even in my drunken state, that I was going to have to piss in like 5 seconds.
But that didn't stop me from passing out right then and there.
I woke up the next morning feeling like something was wrong and then Rex gets out of his bed and says to me, "Do you know what you did last night?" And I'm like, "Yeah, I got fucking hammered. I don't remember anything after coming back."
He proceeds to tell me that about an hour after I passed out. I stood up out of my bed, walked over to his bed (his bed was like 4 feet off of the ground because his dressed was underneath it), and unzipped my pants. I then pissed into his dresser like it was a urinal and then fell face first onto his bed. I also fell on him 4 times until he finally pushed me off of him. To make matters worse, the piss leaked through the wood and got some of his clothes wet, and some leaked out on to his backpack on the floor. Needless to say, I apologized like 20 times.
So Rex and I were tied 1 to 1 in the pissing incidents.
The next weekend, we still joked about pissing on everything like we were fucking dogs marking out territory. That night I went out and got hammered again while Rex went to the library. I came back before he got back and passed out again. In the middle of the night, I walked to the corner of the room, and pissed all over the floor again. Rex claims that he asked me what I was doing, and I said I was pissing in a bush and to watch out for the cops.
So I was "winning" the battle 2 to 1, when the very next night, I refused to drink because I didn't want to piss again. Rex goes out with the Supreme Jew and a couple other friends, and they get hammered. Rex comes back around 2 and I'm like "Dude you are hammered, I bet you piss somewhere again." He is like, "No way man! I'm fine." Except I could barely understand what he was saying because he was so drunk.
So what happens? Middle of the night. Rex gets up and sits down in his computer chair. Takes off his pants and pisses again all over the carpet.
Even better is that the next morning, I text the Supreme Jew to tell him that Rex pissed all over the carpet and that we are now tied 2-2.
His response: make that 2-2-1, I pissed all over my clothes in my hamper last night.
The final pissing incident happened this year when the Monster and his girlfriend came to visit me for our game vs Delaware State. That day me, Dr. Jew, and El Gato Especial (Dr. Jew's roommate), decided to drink all day and play Tony Hawk 2 for Playstation. So the Monster had to play catch up needless to say.
The Monster ended up drinking approximately 25 beers and then had 6 kamikazes at the bar when we went out. Him and his girlfriend slept on my floor that night, and in the middle of the night, I hear something moving around. Here is the Monster standing in the middle of my room not doing anything. I say to him, "Dude what are you doing?" He's like, "I just got back from the bathroom." I said to him, "But you never left." And he just lays back down.
That's right. He pissed on the floor of my room while sleeping next to his girlfriend. Somehow he didn't piss on her, but clearly if he did he would have won the game.
Overall, we now refuse to talk about pissing when we drink because we all believe that this is the reason that we pissed pretty much everywhere but in the bathroom. But if you get up in the middle of the night and have to take a piss, why walk all the way down the hall, when the whole world is your bathroom?
Monday, March 29, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
The Jeffo Monster Almost Dies
When we were in high school, we were notorious for being the guys that acted like assholes and did stupid things because we thought they were funny.
There was the time that even before I was really boys with Young Speezy that I used AIM to spread the word to get him elected Homecoming representative for the freshmen class.
There was the time that during a mosh pit after we scored a touchdown against Moon that we ripped Not-a-Problem Chris's pants off. And during the same game when we nearly threw Stickley over the railing 15 feet to the ground.
There was the time that the gothic girl Fwock Off chased Stickley around and said, "The Circus is that way." Then the girl proceeded to chase him around the parking lot, slipped on the gravel, and fell down the hill.
But more often than not most stories centered around the Jeffo monster doing crazy shit. Some of the funniest shit I can think about related to the Jeffo monster in high school: when he forgot the words to 99 Luftballoons and Pour Some Sugar on Me, when we used to clip the Monster's backpack to different tables and he would flip them over when he went to pick up his backpack to leave class, when Stickley threw his backpack behind the collapsible wall and the Monster proceeded to knock the whole wall over when he went to pick it up, when he said, "Sometimes I go to sleep and hope I don't wake up.", when we used to sing the song about Jeffo jacking off in the porn store. I could go on and on, but one story supplants all of them: the day Jeffo almost died.
I'm pretty sure that we were in 11th grade at the time, and Jeffo and I were in the cafeteria and went to get dessert; nothing out of the ordinary. One of the people working at the cash register went into the back to get something, when we see the great Bren'an Dilly'an, who proceeds to steal a milk from the cooler by the cash register.
Now we are talking about a 35 cent carton of milk here, not a fucking Bentley, but the cashier was a one of our friend's parents so Jeffo tells her that Mr. Dilly'an stole the milk. They go and question him and find out that he did steal it.
Quick side note: The same Mr. Dilly'an wanted to play me in basketball at the park for my Tracy McGrady Orlando Magic jersey because he said, "I didn't deserve it because I wasn't thug enough." Also further update: this is the same dude that did a handstand on the Sewickley Bridge and fell into the water.
So needless to say, this dude was crazy. He comes up to me and the Monster and asks if we told on him. Jeffo is like, "Yeah, I fucking told on you. You shouldn't have stole that." Why Jeffo took the moralistic stand here I have no idea (this is the same dude that got his life threatened by the computer programming teacher for stealing bottles of water from her.)
The kid tells Jeffo that he better watch his back. Big deal, some wannabe thug kid says watch your back, nothing to sweat we thought.
A couple weeks later, Jeffo is out at a party and finds out that apparently, Mr. Dilly'an brought a gun to school the next day to shoot Jeffo. This kid was going to shoot the Monster for telling on him for stealing a 35 cent fucking carton of milk. It turned out that he didn't shoot Jeffo because the P-Town King Young Spin reasoned with Mr. Dilly'an and said that he had too much to live for. As you can imagine, the Monster was pretty rattled from having Spin tell him that he was going to shoot him.
So at a later date, the Monster decides that he is going to take a stand and wears a bulletproof vest to school. Now we aren't talking like a bullshit piece of plastic; this thing was full out police strength Kevlar. I punched the Monster in the chest while he was wearing it and scraped the skin off my whole hand.
Not only was Jeffo wearing a bulletproof vest, but he also was wearing just a beater, making him look like he could have been a Vato in an East LA Mexican gang.
The funniest part about the story is that Jeffo had to go to the principal's office for wearing the vest in school because they thought it would create hysteria and make people afraid that they were going to get shot in school.
A kid brought a fucking gun to school, and Jeffo gets in trouble for wearing a fucking bulletproof vest to school. Makes a lot of sense. That is why West Allegheny is a piece of shit high school and everyone there now is addicted to hard drugs and has kids in 10th grade.
Congratulations West A on alienating kids that would actually go on to college and have a future. It's okay, the other kids can make alumni donations with crack pipes and welfare checks.
There was the time that even before I was really boys with Young Speezy that I used AIM to spread the word to get him elected Homecoming representative for the freshmen class.
There was the time that during a mosh pit after we scored a touchdown against Moon that we ripped Not-a-Problem Chris's pants off. And during the same game when we nearly threw Stickley over the railing 15 feet to the ground.
There was the time that the gothic girl Fwock Off chased Stickley around and said, "The Circus is that way." Then the girl proceeded to chase him around the parking lot, slipped on the gravel, and fell down the hill.
But more often than not most stories centered around the Jeffo monster doing crazy shit. Some of the funniest shit I can think about related to the Jeffo monster in high school: when he forgot the words to 99 Luftballoons and Pour Some Sugar on Me, when we used to clip the Monster's backpack to different tables and he would flip them over when he went to pick up his backpack to leave class, when Stickley threw his backpack behind the collapsible wall and the Monster proceeded to knock the whole wall over when he went to pick it up, when he said, "Sometimes I go to sleep and hope I don't wake up.", when we used to sing the song about Jeffo jacking off in the porn store. I could go on and on, but one story supplants all of them: the day Jeffo almost died.
I'm pretty sure that we were in 11th grade at the time, and Jeffo and I were in the cafeteria and went to get dessert; nothing out of the ordinary. One of the people working at the cash register went into the back to get something, when we see the great Bren'an Dilly'an, who proceeds to steal a milk from the cooler by the cash register.
Now we are talking about a 35 cent carton of milk here, not a fucking Bentley, but the cashier was a one of our friend's parents so Jeffo tells her that Mr. Dilly'an stole the milk. They go and question him and find out that he did steal it.
Quick side note: The same Mr. Dilly'an wanted to play me in basketball at the park for my Tracy McGrady Orlando Magic jersey because he said, "I didn't deserve it because I wasn't thug enough." Also further update: this is the same dude that did a handstand on the Sewickley Bridge and fell into the water.
So needless to say, this dude was crazy. He comes up to me and the Monster and asks if we told on him. Jeffo is like, "Yeah, I fucking told on you. You shouldn't have stole that." Why Jeffo took the moralistic stand here I have no idea (this is the same dude that got his life threatened by the computer programming teacher for stealing bottles of water from her.)
The kid tells Jeffo that he better watch his back. Big deal, some wannabe thug kid says watch your back, nothing to sweat we thought.
A couple weeks later, Jeffo is out at a party and finds out that apparently, Mr. Dilly'an brought a gun to school the next day to shoot Jeffo. This kid was going to shoot the Monster for telling on him for stealing a 35 cent fucking carton of milk. It turned out that he didn't shoot Jeffo because the P-Town King Young Spin reasoned with Mr. Dilly'an and said that he had too much to live for. As you can imagine, the Monster was pretty rattled from having Spin tell him that he was going to shoot him.
So at a later date, the Monster decides that he is going to take a stand and wears a bulletproof vest to school. Now we aren't talking like a bullshit piece of plastic; this thing was full out police strength Kevlar. I punched the Monster in the chest while he was wearing it and scraped the skin off my whole hand.
Not only was Jeffo wearing a bulletproof vest, but he also was wearing just a beater, making him look like he could have been a Vato in an East LA Mexican gang.
The funniest part about the story is that Jeffo had to go to the principal's office for wearing the vest in school because they thought it would create hysteria and make people afraid that they were going to get shot in school.
A kid brought a fucking gun to school, and Jeffo gets in trouble for wearing a fucking bulletproof vest to school. Makes a lot of sense. That is why West Allegheny is a piece of shit high school and everyone there now is addicted to hard drugs and has kids in 10th grade.
Congratulations West A on alienating kids that would actually go on to college and have a future. It's okay, the other kids can make alumni donations with crack pipes and welfare checks.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The Beginning/The Max Talbot Story
So I had this idea to start a blog about all of the funny shit that happens everyday because it has become increasingly obvious to me that hilarious stuff happens all the time to me and my friends. So I'm thinking that every couple of days I will write a story about the daily events and see what people think. I figure that since I will be moving on up to the east side in August when I start working for PNC in Philadelphia and everything gets serious that I'll have to have something to keep me sane.
So today I came up with the idea of starting the blog, mainly because I thought that your regular dumbass can start a blog that people follow, so why not me. I texted my boy, Young Speezy, who, for those of you who don't know, spent 8 months winning the cell block championship in prison. I said to Speez, "You know we should start a blog about all of the crazy shit we have done and will do this coming summer." Speezy loved the idea, and quickly was fired up about it. He was like a teenage boy that first found out that you could look at porn on the internet. He had all of these ideas about touring the country after the blog gets big, selling his body for money, and even wants to have Michael Cera play him in the movie. I personally think Enrique Iglesias should play Speez, but I digress.
Also, if by the grace of God this actually becomes a movie, the dude that plays Jacob in the faggot vampire movies would have to play Jeffo. No one more closely resembles Jeffo than that guy.
So I figure I might as well start with a bang by writing about the funniest night of my spring break. For those of you who don't know, Michigan has one of the earliest spring breaks in the country. I attribute this to the large number of Jews that go to Michigan, and there would be an uprising of people trying to sue if we got off for Easter (since all Jews are either doctors, lawyers, or businessmen; trust me it's a fact look it up in the dictionary).
So I go home the Thursday night before spring break officially starts because I'm supposed to see the one and only DJ Pauly Delvecchio on the 1s and 2s in the Strip District in Pittsburgh. This was kind of bittersweet because I was fired up to see Pauly D, mainly because I'd heard that girls love to go to clubs that he is at, but I had to miss our senior night for hockey against Notre Dame. Now if you have never been to a Michigan hockey game its a hell of a time (just listen closely to this YouTube clip from our game versus Michigan State last year: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zslb7M83YIU).
Anyway, as I'm about 25 minutes from home, my friend Justin, who I was supposed to go to the club with texts me that Pauly D isn't showing up because of flight delays. What a fucking crock of shit. That fucking dude shows up at every club in America, but can't come to fucking Pittsburgh because he can't get in. I call bullshit.
So I start to think great, I fucking came home early to sit around and have a couple beers with the boys (not bad on an average night, but again I was missing senior night). I head over to Justin's place, completely not expecting anything good to happen that night, but God damn was I wrong.
Andy "The Big Fundamental, The Sexy, Magic Man" shows up about an hour after I get there and we start drinking some beers. Nothing out of the normal. Justin gets a call from his friend Scarf, who by all account actually is in love with Justin. Like I'm not talking about love like you tell your boys after you've been drinking; I'm talking like California gay love. Like this dude would take Justin to poundtown if he was willing.
Anyway Scarf calls up two girls, who I honestly don't remember what their names were (which is a rarity because I am really good with names). These two girls want to come out with us to the bars, which if you ever have met me and my friends, is a rarity. It's not like we are a group of ugly, piece of shit dudes either; like we all are doing big things in the next few years. The problem is that we were such dickheads in high school that people did not like us because we were very obnoxious (except for Andy of course because he was the most popular dude in high school). We have all grown out of that phase now, but still kind of carry that label from our high school days.
We picked one of the girls up outside of a bar where she had been drinking before hand, and she immediately sits on my lap in the car. I'm think alright this girl is pretty hott, let's see where this goes. After talking to her for about 10 minutes, I realize that this girl either is a) really dumb or b) too drunk and I don't want to get a Ben Roethlisberger like charge against me. So after we go to the next bar I start talking to her other friend that we also met.
Now in between the time we switched bars, these two girls met two of their friends on the street. One of the girls happened to be their roommate, and it also just so happened that she was wearing the girl I just started talking to's Louis Vuitton 930 dollar high heels. The other girl who was too drunk jumped on the girl wearing the heels, and she scuffed the whole side of the shoe. This girl broke down like she had been told that there was no Santa Clause.
Being the master technician that I am, I found this as an opportunity to make a move to get closer to this girl. Now if you have ever met me, you know that I have an uncanny ability to find girls that have boyfriends. And because I have high morals (that's what happens when you grow up in a single parent family with your mom telling you all the time that women need to be respected), I refuse to intrude on someone's relationship. I'm not saying I disagree with you if you do it, but it's just not for me. So I find out that this girl does not have a steady boyfriend, but she has a guy that she kind of fucks on the side. No big deal to me, every girl has a similar situation. The thing I didn't realize was who the guy she was fucking was.
So we go up to the bar at Mario's in the South Side of Pittsburgh, and I pull out my credit card to show this girl that in true young banker fashion that I am ready to break the bank to prove I am the man. She puts her hand on mine and says, "No, put that away. I work hard for my money, and I don't believe that men should always pay for women to do everything. It doesn't make sense." I honest to God should have asked this girl to marry me right then and there.
So we get a couple of shots, and they keep flowing and we are having a really good time just bullshitting about everything, but mainly I am consoling her for her friend ruining her shoes. She says to me, "You know I want to tell you something that I've never told anyone before." I'm thinking to myself this is going to be something really gay that I am not going to be remotely interested in, but I decided I'll play the game.
She prefaces the story by telling me that she has only had sex with 3 guys ever. I'm like okay, I don't buy that for a second because this girl was a solid 8.5, but she claims she went to Catholic school, etc. So I play along. She then proceeds to tell me that last month it was her birthday, and she came to Mario's. While she was there, Max Talbot of the Pittsburgh Penguins came up to talk to her. At this point I'm thinking, wow that's pretty cool, Max is the fucking wheelmaster, but there is no way that she would have ever known that me and my friends idolize Max for his wheeling ability. Let's just say my respect for him went to another level that night.
So Wheel Max Wheel apparently came up to her, sweet talked her by saying that she was beautiful and had pretty eyes, and the next thing you know, she was back at his place. They weren't the only people though that went back to his place though. Jordan Staal and Tyler Kennedy, also players on the Penguins, were there, in addition to two of her friends. They all got in the hot tub at Max's place, and things apparently started to get rowdy. Around this time was when I knew she was going to say that she had sex with him, which is no surprise because Max has definitely fucked hundreds of girls in the Pittsburgh area alone; which is why he is the wheel master.
What I did not expect though, is the fact that 15 minutes before she had sex with Max, let's just say she boosted Jordan Staal's trade value even higher, complete with a mouth full of Stanley Cup champion juice. And 10 minutes before she boosted Staal's trade value, she made out with the scrapiest player in the game Mr. Kennedy. And furthermore, her friend 69ed TK while she was fucking Max. In a morality turn, this girl actually turned down fucking TK. (That's like being at the buffet line, eating 10 plates of food, and then saying nah I don't want the 11th I'm on a diet. Except this girl's diet consisted entirely of semen apparently.)
So let's get this straight. This girl claimed to only fuck 3 guys, yet hooked up with 3 dudes in less than half an hour. Yeah I knew I shouldn't have believed it. Nevertheless, I thought this girl was really cool and wanted to see where this was going to go. After we left the bar, she asked if me, Justin, and the Big Fundamental wanted to go back to her place to play Mario Kart (did I mention I should have married this girl).
We go back to play Mario Party/Kart, when her roommate (the original drunk girl from the car ride), says that she is really hungry. Now I only wore a t-shirt out that night and it was the middle of February, meaning it was snowing outside. The girl insists on walking like 13 blocks to go get something to eat. I try to persuade her not to go, but she will not have it. I obviously can't let this girl walk the streets of Pittsburgh by herself, so I decide to go.
Withing 20 seconds I immediately regretted my decision, as it was snowing like we were in the fucking North Pole. I even said we should get the sled dogs out and race like the fucking Iditarod to the store. She didn't really get the joke, but whatever. So we walk 13 fucking blocks to this store, at one point we even started to run, but stopped when a girl standing outside of a dorm thought I was chasing her and going to rape this girl (that would have been an interesting story had a police officer stopped us).
We get into the store, grab the normal 4 am snack food, and go to the register. As we are at the register, this girl has the bright idea of buying a pineapple for her roommate. "OH MY GOD!!!! MY ROOMMATE WILL LOVE THIS!!!" I'm thinking why in the fuck is there a pineapple in a convenience store at 4 am, but that's for another time. She buys the pineapple, and who cares that fucking thing back; that's right me. We walk all the way back, and as soon as we get back, her roommate (the girl I'm trying to get with) screams "OH MY GOD YOU ARE SOOOOOOOO THOUGHTFUL). I should have just claimed I bought it because that would have been the deal sealer.
So we finally get to playing Mario Party/Kart. We start by playing Mario Party, and this girl is kicking our asses. With like 15 turns left, she is up by like 80 coins (a nearly insurmountable lead), and is so confident that she is going to win that she bets us that if she loses, she will get naked. Now there are three things I was put on this earth to do: watch sports like its my life mission, be really good at school, and play video games. I proceed to win 13 of the next 15 games, and boom there it is; this girl is getting naked.
But then the voice of reason comes in and she's like oh I never thought I'd lose. Well bitch, you fuck with the best, you die like the rest (or something like that, I obviously take video games too seriously). This girl claims that now we have to beat her at Mario Kart. One race. Rainbow Road. I again whoop her ass. Still no nakedness. We go on to beat her 5 times, until her roommate finally says, "Just do it. You said you would." Thank God, finally someone makes some fucking sense.
So this girl takes her dress off, but refuses to show her nipples or take her underwear off. Fine by me, I mean I just played video games and got this girl I have been chasing all night to take her clothes off. Let me tell you, this girls ass was carved by God himself. I mean people overrate the niceness of asses regularly, but let me tell you, this was perfect. I mean God damn it was beautiful. She rushes into her room and jumps into the shower immediately to end the show, but it doesn't end there.
Andy falls asleep on the couch, and Justin goes to sleep in the roommates room, so I decide to press my luck, and go into the girl's room. I lay down on the other bed because again I don't want to come on too strong, and when she gets out of the shower, she immediately lays down in the other bed. But then she says to me, "Come her I want to show me something." She pulls out her cell phone and shows me the video of the night she met Max, and the morning after (not the pill although she probably needed that too). She then pulls out a pink pair of Max's underwear that he gave her. I mean does this dude get anymore impressive; he has a fucking calling card for girls he fucks.
This is where I figured I'd have to make the move. Now when I was younger, I always gave my mom back massages because she had problems from when she fell off a horse when she was younger. So God blessed me with his hands for giving massages. So I say to her, "Hey, you look kind of tense from telling me that story. I think I can help that out." So I start to massage her back, and next thing I know her shirt is off and I'm putting in full effort to make this work. (I'm also getting blue-balled like a motherfucker).
We continue talking while I'm massaging her and I tell her about how I'm going to be a banker and that I go to a top 5 business school, etc. Give her the whole bit about how I'm a really nice guy, etc. and I just go with the flow because life is too short to worry about shit. She says to me, and I am dead ass serious, "Wow you are so accomplished. I mean the best thing I have done is get a belly full of Stanley Cup Champion." Now for those of you at home that are a little slow, she means that she had swallowed the seed of the great Stanley Cup Champion Pittsburgh Penguins. I almost fell of the fucking bed I started laughing so hard.
Anyway, I continue to massage her, convince her that there are pressure points in her ass and that it will really help her if she lets me massage her ass. Now I am touching one of God's greatest masterpieces, and things are getting pretty heated. I'm starting to think that I am going to lock this girl down for sure, but then I realize she hasn't said anything in like 10 minutes. Then, she rolls over to me face to face, and I'm thinking, "Go in for the kill you pussy." And as I'm going to I realize that she is passed out with a death grip around my chest. I was so fucking good at this massage that she fell fucking asleep. God damn me for being so good at what I do.
As a consolation prize, I got to see her get dressed in the morning, but I still didn't get to reap the benefits. Then again, maybe I didn't want to fuck this girl because who knows what disease she could have picked up from the wheelmaster.
Overall, it was a hilarious fucking experience, and every time I see Max Talbot, Jordan Staal, or Tyler Kennedy, I can't help but think of this story.
And for the ultimate end to the story. As I was typing this Young Speez texts me (he is out at the bar), "If I was a girl, I would ride dick non-stop. BLOG THAT!" As Frank Lucas would say...my man.
So today I came up with the idea of starting the blog, mainly because I thought that your regular dumbass can start a blog that people follow, so why not me. I texted my boy, Young Speezy, who, for those of you who don't know, spent 8 months winning the cell block championship in prison. I said to Speez, "You know we should start a blog about all of the crazy shit we have done and will do this coming summer." Speezy loved the idea, and quickly was fired up about it. He was like a teenage boy that first found out that you could look at porn on the internet. He had all of these ideas about touring the country after the blog gets big, selling his body for money, and even wants to have Michael Cera play him in the movie. I personally think Enrique Iglesias should play Speez, but I digress.
Also, if by the grace of God this actually becomes a movie, the dude that plays Jacob in the faggot vampire movies would have to play Jeffo. No one more closely resembles Jeffo than that guy.
So I figure I might as well start with a bang by writing about the funniest night of my spring break. For those of you who don't know, Michigan has one of the earliest spring breaks in the country. I attribute this to the large number of Jews that go to Michigan, and there would be an uprising of people trying to sue if we got off for Easter (since all Jews are either doctors, lawyers, or businessmen; trust me it's a fact look it up in the dictionary).
So I go home the Thursday night before spring break officially starts because I'm supposed to see the one and only DJ Pauly Delvecchio on the 1s and 2s in the Strip District in Pittsburgh. This was kind of bittersweet because I was fired up to see Pauly D, mainly because I'd heard that girls love to go to clubs that he is at, but I had to miss our senior night for hockey against Notre Dame. Now if you have never been to a Michigan hockey game its a hell of a time (just listen closely to this YouTube clip from our game versus Michigan State last year: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zslb7M83YIU).
Anyway, as I'm about 25 minutes from home, my friend Justin, who I was supposed to go to the club with texts me that Pauly D isn't showing up because of flight delays. What a fucking crock of shit. That fucking dude shows up at every club in America, but can't come to fucking Pittsburgh because he can't get in. I call bullshit.
So I start to think great, I fucking came home early to sit around and have a couple beers with the boys (not bad on an average night, but again I was missing senior night). I head over to Justin's place, completely not expecting anything good to happen that night, but God damn was I wrong.
Andy "The Big Fundamental, The Sexy, Magic Man" shows up about an hour after I get there and we start drinking some beers. Nothing out of the normal. Justin gets a call from his friend Scarf, who by all account actually is in love with Justin. Like I'm not talking about love like you tell your boys after you've been drinking; I'm talking like California gay love. Like this dude would take Justin to poundtown if he was willing.
Anyway Scarf calls up two girls, who I honestly don't remember what their names were (which is a rarity because I am really good with names). These two girls want to come out with us to the bars, which if you ever have met me and my friends, is a rarity. It's not like we are a group of ugly, piece of shit dudes either; like we all are doing big things in the next few years. The problem is that we were such dickheads in high school that people did not like us because we were very obnoxious (except for Andy of course because he was the most popular dude in high school). We have all grown out of that phase now, but still kind of carry that label from our high school days.
We picked one of the girls up outside of a bar where she had been drinking before hand, and she immediately sits on my lap in the car. I'm think alright this girl is pretty hott, let's see where this goes. After talking to her for about 10 minutes, I realize that this girl either is a) really dumb or b) too drunk and I don't want to get a Ben Roethlisberger like charge against me. So after we go to the next bar I start talking to her other friend that we also met.
Now in between the time we switched bars, these two girls met two of their friends on the street. One of the girls happened to be their roommate, and it also just so happened that she was wearing the girl I just started talking to's Louis Vuitton 930 dollar high heels. The other girl who was too drunk jumped on the girl wearing the heels, and she scuffed the whole side of the shoe. This girl broke down like she had been told that there was no Santa Clause.
Being the master technician that I am, I found this as an opportunity to make a move to get closer to this girl. Now if you have ever met me, you know that I have an uncanny ability to find girls that have boyfriends. And because I have high morals (that's what happens when you grow up in a single parent family with your mom telling you all the time that women need to be respected), I refuse to intrude on someone's relationship. I'm not saying I disagree with you if you do it, but it's just not for me. So I find out that this girl does not have a steady boyfriend, but she has a guy that she kind of fucks on the side. No big deal to me, every girl has a similar situation. The thing I didn't realize was who the guy she was fucking was.
So we go up to the bar at Mario's in the South Side of Pittsburgh, and I pull out my credit card to show this girl that in true young banker fashion that I am ready to break the bank to prove I am the man. She puts her hand on mine and says, "No, put that away. I work hard for my money, and I don't believe that men should always pay for women to do everything. It doesn't make sense." I honest to God should have asked this girl to marry me right then and there.
So we get a couple of shots, and they keep flowing and we are having a really good time just bullshitting about everything, but mainly I am consoling her for her friend ruining her shoes. She says to me, "You know I want to tell you something that I've never told anyone before." I'm thinking to myself this is going to be something really gay that I am not going to be remotely interested in, but I decided I'll play the game.
She prefaces the story by telling me that she has only had sex with 3 guys ever. I'm like okay, I don't buy that for a second because this girl was a solid 8.5, but she claims she went to Catholic school, etc. So I play along. She then proceeds to tell me that last month it was her birthday, and she came to Mario's. While she was there, Max Talbot of the Pittsburgh Penguins came up to talk to her. At this point I'm thinking, wow that's pretty cool, Max is the fucking wheelmaster, but there is no way that she would have ever known that me and my friends idolize Max for his wheeling ability. Let's just say my respect for him went to another level that night.
So Wheel Max Wheel apparently came up to her, sweet talked her by saying that she was beautiful and had pretty eyes, and the next thing you know, she was back at his place. They weren't the only people though that went back to his place though. Jordan Staal and Tyler Kennedy, also players on the Penguins, were there, in addition to two of her friends. They all got in the hot tub at Max's place, and things apparently started to get rowdy. Around this time was when I knew she was going to say that she had sex with him, which is no surprise because Max has definitely fucked hundreds of girls in the Pittsburgh area alone; which is why he is the wheel master.
What I did not expect though, is the fact that 15 minutes before she had sex with Max, let's just say she boosted Jordan Staal's trade value even higher, complete with a mouth full of Stanley Cup champion juice. And 10 minutes before she boosted Staal's trade value, she made out with the scrapiest player in the game Mr. Kennedy. And furthermore, her friend 69ed TK while she was fucking Max. In a morality turn, this girl actually turned down fucking TK. (That's like being at the buffet line, eating 10 plates of food, and then saying nah I don't want the 11th I'm on a diet. Except this girl's diet consisted entirely of semen apparently.)
So let's get this straight. This girl claimed to only fuck 3 guys, yet hooked up with 3 dudes in less than half an hour. Yeah I knew I shouldn't have believed it. Nevertheless, I thought this girl was really cool and wanted to see where this was going to go. After we left the bar, she asked if me, Justin, and the Big Fundamental wanted to go back to her place to play Mario Kart (did I mention I should have married this girl).
We go back to play Mario Party/Kart, when her roommate (the original drunk girl from the car ride), says that she is really hungry. Now I only wore a t-shirt out that night and it was the middle of February, meaning it was snowing outside. The girl insists on walking like 13 blocks to go get something to eat. I try to persuade her not to go, but she will not have it. I obviously can't let this girl walk the streets of Pittsburgh by herself, so I decide to go.
Withing 20 seconds I immediately regretted my decision, as it was snowing like we were in the fucking North Pole. I even said we should get the sled dogs out and race like the fucking Iditarod to the store. She didn't really get the joke, but whatever. So we walk 13 fucking blocks to this store, at one point we even started to run, but stopped when a girl standing outside of a dorm thought I was chasing her and going to rape this girl (that would have been an interesting story had a police officer stopped us).
We get into the store, grab the normal 4 am snack food, and go to the register. As we are at the register, this girl has the bright idea of buying a pineapple for her roommate. "OH MY GOD!!!! MY ROOMMATE WILL LOVE THIS!!!" I'm thinking why in the fuck is there a pineapple in a convenience store at 4 am, but that's for another time. She buys the pineapple, and who cares that fucking thing back; that's right me. We walk all the way back, and as soon as we get back, her roommate (the girl I'm trying to get with) screams "OH MY GOD YOU ARE SOOOOOOOO THOUGHTFUL). I should have just claimed I bought it because that would have been the deal sealer.
So we finally get to playing Mario Party/Kart. We start by playing Mario Party, and this girl is kicking our asses. With like 15 turns left, she is up by like 80 coins (a nearly insurmountable lead), and is so confident that she is going to win that she bets us that if she loses, she will get naked. Now there are three things I was put on this earth to do: watch sports like its my life mission, be really good at school, and play video games. I proceed to win 13 of the next 15 games, and boom there it is; this girl is getting naked.
But then the voice of reason comes in and she's like oh I never thought I'd lose. Well bitch, you fuck with the best, you die like the rest (or something like that, I obviously take video games too seriously). This girl claims that now we have to beat her at Mario Kart. One race. Rainbow Road. I again whoop her ass. Still no nakedness. We go on to beat her 5 times, until her roommate finally says, "Just do it. You said you would." Thank God, finally someone makes some fucking sense.
So this girl takes her dress off, but refuses to show her nipples or take her underwear off. Fine by me, I mean I just played video games and got this girl I have been chasing all night to take her clothes off. Let me tell you, this girls ass was carved by God himself. I mean people overrate the niceness of asses regularly, but let me tell you, this was perfect. I mean God damn it was beautiful. She rushes into her room and jumps into the shower immediately to end the show, but it doesn't end there.
Andy falls asleep on the couch, and Justin goes to sleep in the roommates room, so I decide to press my luck, and go into the girl's room. I lay down on the other bed because again I don't want to come on too strong, and when she gets out of the shower, she immediately lays down in the other bed. But then she says to me, "Come her I want to show me something." She pulls out her cell phone and shows me the video of the night she met Max, and the morning after (not the pill although she probably needed that too). She then pulls out a pink pair of Max's underwear that he gave her. I mean does this dude get anymore impressive; he has a fucking calling card for girls he fucks.
This is where I figured I'd have to make the move. Now when I was younger, I always gave my mom back massages because she had problems from when she fell off a horse when she was younger. So God blessed me with his hands for giving massages. So I say to her, "Hey, you look kind of tense from telling me that story. I think I can help that out." So I start to massage her back, and next thing I know her shirt is off and I'm putting in full effort to make this work. (I'm also getting blue-balled like a motherfucker).
We continue talking while I'm massaging her and I tell her about how I'm going to be a banker and that I go to a top 5 business school, etc. Give her the whole bit about how I'm a really nice guy, etc. and I just go with the flow because life is too short to worry about shit. She says to me, and I am dead ass serious, "Wow you are so accomplished. I mean the best thing I have done is get a belly full of Stanley Cup Champion." Now for those of you at home that are a little slow, she means that she had swallowed the seed of the great Stanley Cup Champion Pittsburgh Penguins. I almost fell of the fucking bed I started laughing so hard.
Anyway, I continue to massage her, convince her that there are pressure points in her ass and that it will really help her if she lets me massage her ass. Now I am touching one of God's greatest masterpieces, and things are getting pretty heated. I'm starting to think that I am going to lock this girl down for sure, but then I realize she hasn't said anything in like 10 minutes. Then, she rolls over to me face to face, and I'm thinking, "Go in for the kill you pussy." And as I'm going to I realize that she is passed out with a death grip around my chest. I was so fucking good at this massage that she fell fucking asleep. God damn me for being so good at what I do.
As a consolation prize, I got to see her get dressed in the morning, but I still didn't get to reap the benefits. Then again, maybe I didn't want to fuck this girl because who knows what disease she could have picked up from the wheelmaster.
Overall, it was a hilarious fucking experience, and every time I see Max Talbot, Jordan Staal, or Tyler Kennedy, I can't help but think of this story.
And for the ultimate end to the story. As I was typing this Young Speez texts me (he is out at the bar), "If I was a girl, I would ride dick non-stop. BLOG THAT!" As Frank Lucas would say...my man.
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