The Beginning/The Max Talbot Story

So I had this idea to start a blog about all of the funny shit that happens everyday because it has become increasingly obvious to me that hilarious stuff happens all the time to me and my friends. So I'm thinking that every couple of days I will write a story about the daily events and see what people think. I figure that since I will be moving on up to the east side in August when I start working for PNC in Philadelphia and everything gets serious that I'll have to have something to keep me sane.

So today I came up with the idea of starting the blog, mainly because I thought that your regular dumbass can start a blog that people follow, so why not me. I texted my boy, Young Speezy, who, for those of you who don't know, spent 8 months winning the cell block championship in prison. I said to Speez, "You know we should start a blog about all of the crazy shit we have done and will do this coming summer." Speezy loved the idea, and quickly was fired up about it. He was like a teenage boy that first found out that you could look at porn on the internet. He had all of these ideas about touring the country after the blog gets big, selling his body for money, and even wants to have Michael Cera play him in the movie. I personally think Enrique Iglesias should play Speez, but I digress.

Also, if by the grace of God this actually becomes a movie, the dude that plays Jacob in the faggot vampire movies would have to play Jeffo. No one more closely resembles Jeffo than that guy.

So I figure I might as well start with a bang by writing about the funniest night of my spring break. For those of you who don't know, Michigan has one of the earliest spring breaks in the country. I attribute this to the large number of Jews that go to Michigan, and there would be an uprising of people trying to sue if we got off for Easter (since all Jews are either doctors, lawyers, or businessmen; trust me it's a fact look it up in the dictionary).

So I go home the Thursday night before spring break officially starts because I'm supposed to see the one and only DJ Pauly Delvecchio on the 1s and 2s in the Strip District in Pittsburgh. This was kind of bittersweet because I was fired up to see Pauly D, mainly because I'd heard that girls love to go to clubs that he is at, but I had to miss our senior night for hockey against Notre Dame. Now if you have never been to a Michigan hockey game its a hell of a time (just listen closely to this YouTube clip from our game versus Michigan State last year: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zslb7M83YIU).

Anyway, as I'm about 25 minutes from home, my friend Justin, who I was supposed to go to the club with texts me that Pauly D isn't showing up because of flight delays. What a fucking crock of shit. That fucking dude shows up at every club in America, but can't come to fucking Pittsburgh because he can't get in. I call bullshit.

So I start to think great, I fucking came home early to sit around and have a couple beers with the boys (not bad on an average night, but again I was missing senior night). I head over to Justin's place, completely not expecting anything good to happen that night, but God damn was I wrong.

Andy "The Big Fundamental, The Sexy, Magic Man" shows up about an hour after I get there and we start drinking some beers. Nothing out of the normal. Justin gets a call from his friend Scarf, who by all account actually is in love with Justin. Like I'm not talking about love like you tell your boys after you've been drinking; I'm talking like California gay love. Like this dude would take Justin to poundtown if he was willing.

Anyway Scarf calls up two girls, who I honestly don't remember what their names were (which is a rarity because I am really good with names). These two girls want to come out with us to the bars, which if you ever have met me and my friends, is a rarity. It's not like we are a group of ugly, piece of shit dudes either; like we all are doing big things in the next few years. The problem is that we were such dickheads in high school that people did not like us because we were very obnoxious (except for Andy of course because he was the most popular dude in high school). We have all grown out of that phase now, but still kind of carry that label from our high school days.

We picked one of the girls up outside of a bar where she had been drinking before hand, and she immediately sits on my lap in the car. I'm think alright this girl is pretty hott, let's see where this goes. After talking to her for about 10 minutes, I realize that this girl either is a) really dumb or b) too drunk and I don't want to get a Ben Roethlisberger like charge against me. So after we go to the next bar I start talking to her other friend that we also met.

Now in between the time we switched bars, these two girls met two of their friends on the street. One of the girls happened to be their roommate, and it also just so happened that she was wearing the girl I just started talking to's Louis Vuitton 930 dollar high heels. The other girl who was too drunk jumped on the girl wearing the heels, and she scuffed the whole side of the shoe. This girl broke down like she had been told that there was no Santa Clause.

Being the master technician that I am, I found this as an opportunity to make a move to get closer to this girl. Now if you have ever met me, you know that I have an uncanny ability to find girls that have boyfriends. And because I have high morals (that's what happens when you grow up in a single parent family with your mom telling you all the time that women need to be respected), I refuse to intrude on someone's relationship. I'm not saying I disagree with you if you do it, but it's just not for me. So I find out that this girl does not have a steady boyfriend, but she has a guy that she kind of fucks on the side. No big deal to me, every girl has a similar situation. The thing I didn't realize was who the guy she was fucking was.

So we go up to the bar at Mario's in the South Side of Pittsburgh, and I pull out my credit card to show this girl that in true young banker fashion that I am ready to break the bank to prove I am the man. She puts her hand on mine and says, "No, put that away. I work hard for my money, and I don't believe that men should always pay for women to do everything. It doesn't make sense." I honest to God should have asked this girl to marry me right then and there.

So we get a couple of shots, and they keep flowing and we are having a really good time just bullshitting about everything, but mainly I am consoling her for her friend ruining her shoes. She says to me, "You know I want to tell you something that I've never told anyone before." I'm thinking to myself this is going to be something really gay that I am not going to be remotely interested in, but I decided I'll play the game.

She prefaces the story by telling me that she has only had sex with 3 guys ever. I'm like okay, I don't buy that for a second because this girl was a solid 8.5, but she claims she went to Catholic school, etc. So I play along. She then proceeds to tell me that last month it was her birthday, and she came to Mario's. While she was there, Max Talbot of the Pittsburgh Penguins came up to talk to her. At this point I'm thinking, wow that's pretty cool, Max is the fucking wheelmaster, but there is no way that she would have ever known that me and my friends idolize Max for his wheeling ability. Let's just say my respect for him went to another level that night.

So Wheel Max Wheel apparently came up to her, sweet talked her by saying that she was beautiful and had pretty eyes, and the next thing you know, she was back at his place. They weren't the only people though that went back to his place though. Jordan Staal and Tyler Kennedy, also players on the Penguins, were there, in addition to two of her friends. They all got in the hot tub at Max's place, and things apparently started to get rowdy. Around this time was when I knew she was going to say that she had sex with him, which is no surprise because Max has definitely fucked hundreds of girls in the Pittsburgh area alone; which is why he is the wheel master.

What I did not expect though, is the fact that 15 minutes before she had sex with Max, let's just say she boosted Jordan Staal's trade value even higher, complete with a mouth full of Stanley Cup champion juice. And 10 minutes before she boosted Staal's trade value, she made out with the scrapiest player in the game Mr. Kennedy. And furthermore, her friend 69ed TK while she was fucking Max. In a morality turn, this girl actually turned down fucking TK. (That's like being at the buffet line, eating 10 plates of food, and then saying nah I don't want the 11th I'm on a diet. Except this girl's diet consisted entirely of semen apparently.)

So let's get this straight. This girl claimed to only fuck 3 guys, yet hooked up with 3 dudes in less than half an hour. Yeah I knew I shouldn't have believed it. Nevertheless, I thought this girl was really cool and wanted to see where this was going to go. After we left the bar, she asked if me, Justin, and the Big Fundamental wanted to go back to her place to play Mario Kart (did I mention I should have married this girl).

We go back to play Mario Party/Kart, when her roommate (the original drunk girl from the car ride), says that she is really hungry. Now I only wore a t-shirt out that night and it was the middle of February, meaning it was snowing outside. The girl insists on walking like 13 blocks to go get something to eat. I try to persuade her not to go, but she will not have it. I obviously can't let this girl walk the streets of Pittsburgh by herself, so I decide to go.

Withing 20 seconds I immediately regretted my decision, as it was snowing like we were in the fucking North Pole. I even said we should get the sled dogs out and race like the fucking Iditarod to the store. She didn't really get the joke, but whatever. So we walk 13 fucking blocks to this store, at one point we even started to run, but stopped when a girl standing outside of a dorm thought I was chasing her and going to rape this girl (that would have been an interesting story had a police officer stopped us).

We get into the store, grab the normal 4 am snack food, and go to the register. As we are at the register, this girl has the bright idea of buying a pineapple for her roommate. "OH MY GOD!!!! MY ROOMMATE WILL LOVE THIS!!!" I'm thinking why in the fuck is there a pineapple in a convenience store at 4 am, but that's for another time. She buys the pineapple, and who cares that fucking thing back; that's right me. We walk all the way back, and as soon as we get back, her roommate (the girl I'm trying to get with) screams "OH MY GOD YOU ARE SOOOOOOOO THOUGHTFUL). I should have just claimed I bought it because that would have been the deal sealer.

So we finally get to playing Mario Party/Kart. We start by playing Mario Party, and this girl is kicking our asses. With like 15 turns left, she is up by like 80 coins (a nearly insurmountable lead), and is so confident that she is going to win that she bets us that if she loses, she will get naked. Now there are three things I was put on this earth to do: watch sports like its my life mission, be really good at school, and play video games. I proceed to win 13 of the next 15 games, and boom there it is; this girl is getting naked.

But then the voice of reason comes in and she's like oh I never thought I'd lose. Well bitch, you fuck with the best, you die like the rest (or something like that, I obviously take video games too seriously). This girl claims that now we have to beat her at Mario Kart. One race. Rainbow Road. I again whoop her ass. Still no nakedness. We go on to beat her 5 times, until her roommate finally says, "Just do it. You said you would." Thank God, finally someone makes some fucking sense.

So this girl takes her dress off, but refuses to show her nipples or take her underwear off. Fine by me, I mean I just played video games and got this girl I have been chasing all night to take her clothes off. Let me tell you, this girls ass was carved by God himself. I mean people overrate the niceness of asses regularly, but let me tell you, this was perfect. I mean God damn it was beautiful. She rushes into her room and jumps into the shower immediately to end the show, but it doesn't end there.

Andy falls asleep on the couch, and Justin goes to sleep in the roommates room, so I decide to press my luck, and go into the girl's room. I lay down on the other bed because again I don't want to come on too strong, and when she gets out of the shower, she immediately lays down in the other bed. But then she says to me, "Come her I want to show me something." She pulls out her cell phone and shows me the video of the night she met Max, and the morning after (not the pill although she probably needed that too). She then pulls out a pink pair of Max's underwear that he gave her. I mean does this dude get anymore impressive; he has a fucking calling card for girls he fucks.

This is where I figured I'd have to make the move. Now when I was younger, I always gave my mom back massages because she had problems from when she fell off a horse when she was younger. So God blessed me with his hands for giving massages. So I say to her, "Hey, you look kind of tense from telling me that story. I think I can help that out." So I start to massage her back, and next thing I know her shirt is off and I'm putting in full effort to make this work. (I'm also getting blue-balled like a motherfucker).

We continue talking while I'm massaging her and I tell her about how I'm going to be a banker and that I go to a top 5 business school, etc. Give her the whole bit about how I'm a really nice guy, etc. and I just go with the flow because life is too short to worry about shit. She says to me, and I am dead ass serious, "Wow you are so accomplished. I mean the best thing I have done is get a belly full of Stanley Cup Champion." Now for those of you at home that are a little slow, she means that she had swallowed the seed of the great Stanley Cup Champion Pittsburgh Penguins. I almost fell of the fucking bed I started laughing so hard.

Anyway, I continue to massage her, convince her that there are pressure points in her ass and that it will really help her if she lets me massage her ass. Now I am touching one of God's greatest masterpieces, and things are getting pretty heated. I'm starting to think that I am going to lock this girl down for sure, but then I realize she hasn't said anything in like 10 minutes. Then, she rolls over to me face to face, and I'm thinking, "Go in for the kill you pussy." And as I'm going to I realize that she is passed out with a death grip around my chest. I was so fucking good at this massage that she fell fucking asleep. God damn me for being so good at what I do.

As a consolation prize, I got to see her get dressed in the morning, but I still didn't get to reap the benefits. Then again, maybe I didn't want to fuck this girl because who knows what disease she could have picked up from the wheelmaster.

Overall, it was a hilarious fucking experience, and every time I see Max Talbot, Jordan Staal, or Tyler Kennedy, I can't help but think of this story.

And for the ultimate end to the story. As I was typing this Young Speez texts me (he is out at the bar), "If I was a girl, I would ride dick non-stop. BLOG THAT!" As Frank Lucas would say...my man.