The Jeffo Monster Almost Dies

When we were in high school, we were notorious for being the guys that acted like assholes and did stupid things because we thought they were funny.

There was the time that even before I was really boys with Young Speezy that I used AIM to spread the word to get him elected Homecoming representative for the freshmen class.

There was the time that during a mosh pit after we scored a touchdown against Moon that we ripped Not-a-Problem Chris's pants off. And during the same game when we nearly threw Stickley over the railing 15 feet to the ground.

There was the time that the gothic girl Fwock Off chased Stickley around and said, "The Circus is that way." Then the girl proceeded to chase him around the parking lot, slipped on the gravel, and fell down the hill.

But more often than not most stories centered around the Jeffo monster doing crazy shit. Some of the funniest shit I can think about related to the Jeffo monster in high school: when he forgot the words to 99 Luftballoons and Pour Some Sugar on Me, when we used to clip the Monster's backpack to different tables and he would flip them over when he went to pick up his backpack to leave class, when Stickley threw his backpack behind the collapsible wall and the Monster proceeded to knock the whole wall over when he went to pick it up, when he said, "Sometimes I go to sleep and hope I don't wake up.", when we used to sing the song about Jeffo jacking off in the porn store. I could go on and on, but one story supplants all of them: the day Jeffo almost died.

I'm pretty sure that we were in 11th grade at the time, and Jeffo and I were in the cafeteria and went to get dessert; nothing out of the ordinary. One of the people working at the cash register went into the back to get something, when we see the great Bren'an Dilly'an, who proceeds to steal a milk from the cooler by the cash register.

Now we are talking about a 35 cent carton of milk here, not a fucking Bentley, but the cashier was a one of our friend's parents so Jeffo tells her that Mr. Dilly'an stole the milk. They go and question him and find out that he did steal it.

Quick side note: The same Mr. Dilly'an wanted to play me in basketball at the park for my Tracy McGrady Orlando Magic jersey because he said, "I didn't deserve it because I wasn't thug enough." Also further update: this is the same dude that did a handstand on the Sewickley Bridge and fell into the water.

So needless to say, this dude was crazy. He comes up to me and the Monster and asks if we told on him. Jeffo is like, "Yeah, I fucking told on you. You shouldn't have stole that." Why Jeffo took the moralistic stand here I have no idea (this is the same dude that got his life threatened by the computer programming teacher for stealing bottles of water from her.)

The kid tells Jeffo that he better watch his back. Big deal, some wannabe thug kid says watch your back, nothing to sweat we thought.

A couple weeks later, Jeffo is out at a party and finds out that apparently, Mr. Dilly'an brought a gun to school the next day to shoot Jeffo. This kid was going to shoot the Monster for telling on him for stealing a 35 cent fucking carton of milk. It turned out that he didn't shoot Jeffo because the P-Town King Young Spin reasoned with Mr. Dilly'an and said that he had too much to live for. As you can imagine, the Monster was pretty rattled from having Spin tell him that he was going to shoot him.

So at a later date, the Monster decides that he is going to take a stand and wears a bulletproof vest to school. Now we aren't talking like a bullshit piece of plastic; this thing was full out police strength Kevlar. I punched the Monster in the chest while he was wearing it and scraped the skin off my whole hand.

Not only was Jeffo wearing a bulletproof vest, but he also was wearing just a beater, making him look like he could have been a Vato in an East LA Mexican gang.

The funniest part about the story is that Jeffo had to go to the principal's office for wearing the vest in school because they thought it would create hysteria and make people afraid that they were going to get shot in school.

A kid brought a fucking gun to school, and Jeffo gets in trouble for wearing a fucking bulletproof vest to school. Makes a lot of sense. That is why West Allegheny is a piece of shit high school and everyone there now is addicted to hard drugs and has kids in 10th grade.

Congratulations West A on alienating kids that would actually go on to college and have a future. It's okay, the other kids can make alumni donations with crack pipes and welfare checks.