The Pissing Incident(s)

Two summers ago, I had my first run in with Johnny Law, when after leaving Murrysville with Juelz "I can't feel my face" and Nagel, we decided to stop at McDonalds. Now this was nothing out of the ordinary, except that it was 3:30 in the morning. Since it was 3:30 in the morning, I imagined that there was no way possible that the inside of Mcdonalds would be open, and I had to piss really badly before we drove half an hour home.

So what did I do? I found the closest pine tree to piss in. (Juelz actually wanted me to piss on the McDonalds, which could have potentially ended up much worse, or better depending on your view point).

As I'm pissing into this pine tree, I see Yung Mane Jeff driving down the hill across the street with a burnout headlight. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem, but we had been drinking. Furthermore, there was a cop behind the Yung Mane. I start trying to wave to Yung Mane to tell him to pull into the parking lot, so that he can follow us home, but he doesn't see me and turns at the light to get on the highway to go home.

I run back to the car to tell Juelz and Nagel that I just saw the Yung Mane driving with his light burnt out and that we needed to follow him. They both just kind of look at me with a blank stare and then I turn around.

You know who saw me wave to the Yung Mane? The police car behind him. And he also saw me pissing into the tree.

So the police officer pulls us over and I just keep thinking, "Fuck this is fucking bullshit. I was trying to help out Yung Mane and I am going to get in so much shit with my mom." The officer asks me why I was pissing in a tree, and I told him that I didn't think McDonalds was open at this time.

He runs over to the door in a total dickhead move, looks at the door, and yanks the door open like he was fucking pulling the vault door off for a bank robbery. He comes back over and says, "Looks like it's pretty open to me."

I had half a notion to tell this guy to go fuck himself because he was a total rent-a-cop dickhead (he even had a fucking bike on the back of his car), but I decided it would be best to just cooperate.

I say to him that I am sorry and that it was a mistake. I told him that I am not from around here and that our McDonalds doesn't have a 24 hour bathroom.

He looks me dead in the eyes and says, "Oh yeah, well this mistake is going to cost you." Writes me a ticket for fucking 182 dollars. Needless to say I'll never piss in public again.

...Or would I?

About 2 months later, I was now back at school, and had just moved in with Rex is Our QB (aptly named after the former legendary quarterback for the Chicago Bears Rex Grossman). Rex and I decided that along with our friend Dr. Jew, we were going to go to our friend Cluckey's house for a party that night.

So me, Rex, and Dr. Jew walk nearly a mile and a half to Cluckeys house. Now this was during the time period when I was virtually addicted to Jager. Any time I drank, I drank Jager. So we go into Cluckeys house, and what does he have in the freezer? Two big dogs of Jager. Him and I go shot for shot on Jager until the point where we were both belligerent.

Rex and Dr. Jew had drank so much beer that Rex was out on the porch negotiating with this guy that didn't go to school with us to get a hit of his weed. The only problem was that it wasn't weed, it was a cigarette. So Rex was so drunk that he thought a cigarette was a joint.

He takes a huge puff on the cigarette, and passes it back to the guy and says, "Damn man that's some good shit." The guy just looks at him like his fucking crazy and walks away. By that time it is like 1:30 and we decide to leave.

We are fucking hammered and start walking home. The problem was though that we were so drunk that we forgot how to get home. As we start walking, I decided that I had to take a piss again and go along this hillside to drain the main vein.

With my luck though, the house across the street from where I was pissing just received a noise violation, and the police were walking out of their house. I locked eyes with a police officer, who saw me standing there pissing, and then I just started to run. Didn't say anything to Rex or Dr. Jew; just started running. I'll be damned if I am going to pay another 182 dollar fine. In addition, in Michigan, you get something called a minor in possession because they argue that your body is a container and that you basically are carrying alcohol in public.

So I start running faster than Michael Cera in Superbad. I run probably as fast I ever had. I'm running through backyards, hurdling fences, etc. I call the Monster and tell him that I am being chased by the police and that if I get arrested and get the death penalty that he can have my Xbox (I must have been really hammered to give up my Xbox).

I'm still running and I'm calling all my friends from home, when I stop paying attention to where I'm running, and I run right through the fence behind the Tri Delt house. I fall down on the ground and feel like I just got speared by fucking Goldberg.

I keep running and hit the main street, and somehow nearly run right into Rex and Dr. Jew. I recap what just happened and they had no idea where I went. We decide though that to celebrate my victory over the police, that we are going to get the midnight special ordered to our place from Pizza House (for those of you who aren't familiar with it, it is a personal pan pizza and a 32 oz drink for 5 dollar, which you can't fucking beat).

So we get up to our room, order the pizza, when our drunk next door neighbor Meghan stumbles into our room. Meghan basically falls on the floor and I pick her up and put her on my chair. In the meantime, Rex starts throwing up in the garbage can right next to her, and I don't think either of them realized that the other one was there. (I actually don't think Meghan would have realized if she was sober because she is the same girl that got a 1.7, slept through her first college exam, and was forced by her parents to drop out of Michigan).

By this time, I'm starting to sober up so I am aware of everything that is going on, but the other two have no idea. The pizza house guy calls Rex to tell him that he is here, and I tell Rex to go get the pizza while I take care of Meghan.

So Rex has to carry two 32 oz drink and 2 pizzas when he is completely hammered. Amazingly, he makes it all the way down and back up 5 flights of steps without dropping anything.

As he comes into the room, he says, "Holy shit, I made it!" And as he turns the corner, he hits one of the drinks off the door frame, and it explodes all over the floor.

He just looks at me and says, "Well that's okay I wasn't thirsty anyway." And just goes and lays down on his bed eating the pizza.

So by this time, I get Meghan to leave our room, and sit down to eat my pizza. I finish eating the pizza, and realize that Rex has passed out, so I leave both pizza boxes on the floor (mine with the cheese still in it, since I don't eat cheese) and the bag on the floor.

At about 6:00 am I hear what sounds like somebody moving around in the room, and I open my eyes and see Rex butt ass naked in the middle of the room. I'm like, "Dude what the fuck are you doing." And he says, "Hey man don't worry about it. I'm just hanging out."

Here he takes the paper bag that the pizzas came in, and is pissing into the bag. Then, the piss is going straight through the piece of shit paper bag and going right on to the carpet. So here is Rex, naked, pissing on our floor.

To make the story even better, he then sits down in the chair, opens up the pizza box, and eats my cheese that I didn't eat from my pizza. He then goes back to sleep when he is done eating.

Rex wakes up the next day at like 1:30, and says, "Why in the hell am I wearing different underwear?" He had no recollection of anything he did after taking the puff on the cigarette. Maybe it was laced with crystal meth and Rex hallucinated; who knows.

So for the next 2 weeks, we proceed to chastise Rex any chance we get about pissing in the room. We talk about it non-stop and I can't understand why he would ever piss on our floor.

During the next week, I had a finance exam that I knew nearly everything about. I had people calling me and asking me to explain how to do the problems, etc. Like I was dead on with knowing this shit. My one friend Robert gets extra time on tests because he has ADD, and I kept helping him because at the time, we both wanted to go into banking for our careers. So I figured helping him would indirectly help me, and we would both know the material better.

So we get the exam back, and Robert, who knew a lot less than I did about this shit, got 11 points higher than me on the exam. I mean I got an A-, but he got an A +. And this for some reason pissed me off.

So what did I do? Called upon my old friend Johnny Walker to solve my problems. I had 11 shots (1 for every point I got lower than Robert on the exam) in one hour. And then proceeded to not even be able to go out because I got so drunk so quickly.

Now I don't know if any of you have had that much Johnny Walker, but this shit is potent. My eyes were as bloodshot as Stickley looks after smoking 20 pounds of huck.

I make it back to my place by the grace of God. And my friend, the Supreme Jew, force fed me 2 bottles of water. Now at the time, I rarely drank water, so that was like drinking the fucking Pacific Ocean. I knew, even in my drunken state, that I was going to have to piss in like 5 seconds.

But that didn't stop me from passing out right then and there.

I woke up the next morning feeling like something was wrong and then Rex gets out of his bed and says to me, "Do you know what you did last night?" And I'm like, "Yeah, I got fucking hammered. I don't remember anything after coming back."

He proceeds to tell me that about an hour after I passed out. I stood up out of my bed, walked over to his bed (his bed was like 4 feet off of the ground because his dressed was underneath it), and unzipped my pants. I then pissed into his dresser like it was a urinal and then fell face first onto his bed. I also fell on him 4 times until he finally pushed me off of him. To make matters worse, the piss leaked through the wood and got some of his clothes wet, and some leaked out on to his backpack on the floor. Needless to say, I apologized like 20 times.

So Rex and I were tied 1 to 1 in the pissing incidents.

The next weekend, we still joked about pissing on everything like we were fucking dogs marking out territory. That night I went out and got hammered again while Rex went to the library. I came back before he got back and passed out again. In the middle of the night, I walked to the corner of the room, and pissed all over the floor again. Rex claims that he asked me what I was doing, and I said I was pissing in a bush and to watch out for the cops.

So I was "winning" the battle 2 to 1, when the very next night, I refused to drink because I didn't want to piss again. Rex goes out with the Supreme Jew and a couple other friends, and they get hammered. Rex comes back around 2 and I'm like "Dude you are hammered, I bet you piss somewhere again." He is like, "No way man! I'm fine." Except I could barely understand what he was saying because he was so drunk.

So what happens? Middle of the night. Rex gets up and sits down in his computer chair. Takes off his pants and pisses again all over the carpet.

Even better is that the next morning, I text the Supreme Jew to tell him that Rex pissed all over the carpet and that we are now tied 2-2.

His response: make that 2-2-1, I pissed all over my clothes in my hamper last night.

The final pissing incident happened this year when the Monster and his girlfriend came to visit me for our game vs Delaware State. That day me, Dr. Jew, and El Gato Especial (Dr. Jew's roommate), decided to drink all day and play Tony Hawk 2 for Playstation. So the Monster had to play catch up needless to say.

The Monster ended up drinking approximately 25 beers and then had 6 kamikazes at the bar when we went out. Him and his girlfriend slept on my floor that night, and in the middle of the night, I hear something moving around. Here is the Monster standing in the middle of my room not doing anything. I say to him, "Dude what are you doing?" He's like, "I just got back from the bathroom." I said to him, "But you never left." And he just lays back down.

That's right. He pissed on the floor of my room while sleeping next to his girlfriend. Somehow he didn't piss on her, but clearly if he did he would have won the game.

Overall, we now refuse to talk about pissing when we drink because we all believe that this is the reason that we pissed pretty much everywhere but in the bathroom. But if you get up in the middle of the night and have to take a piss, why walk all the way down the hall, when the whole world is your bathroom?